”The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

In June of 2013, I experienced what has been the most profoundly painful experience in my life, the loss of my dear aunt Mary. Her death has marked a turning point in my deep understanding of authentic, genuine pain, of which I thought I knew, but knew nothing about, as well as the importance of the process to re-discover who I am and my journey to redefine my relationships with those alive and those who have passed.

As a professional who specializes in grief and loss and has worked with hundreds of families who have experienced the pain of loss, I was taken aback by my difficulties in coping. However, in the continual process of working my way through this experience, my aunt’s death has allowed me to walk hand in hand with profound grief. I have come to know that this walk was and is the only way to heal and adapt her death. I had spent years running away from such pain, hiding behind the sorrows of those brave people I have tried to guide professionally. This “glorious sadness” has allowed me to face my greatest fear, the loss of my loved ones.

 Grief and loss, however, are not limited to the experience of losing a loved one to death. This phenomenon encompasses a broader human experience than one would initially think. From a romantic breakup, or financial loss, to the loss of dreams, expectations, illusions, youth, childhood, and safety, the experience of grief and loss has found its way into the very core of what makes us human. In working with clients who present at their first visit to my office with an array of problems, most will undoubtedly return to a primary loss that becomes the source of many of their current issues. 

As our understanding of human behavior and thought has evolved, so has our knowledge of this universal experience of grief and loss. Experts have found the following to be shifts in the way we look at the grieving process.

1. The understanding and appreciation that we all experience our grief and loss uniquely. Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief, although they continue to be one of the most valuable concepts in our understanding of loss, do not leave room for the idiosyncratic nature of our personal experience with loss. Our grief is in many ways similar, as it is unlike anyone else’s. Our grief is distinctly and profoundly our own.

2. The experience of grief and loss is influenced and occurs within our cultural, familial, and societal context. Our grieving process is in a constant negotiation with the rules of the society and culture we live in. How our grief is expressed can be highly determined by what is appropriate in the society we live in. Our culture can dictate how we experience death, and depending on factors such as our age, gender, race, religion, birth order, or family role. At times, our own personal experience may conflict with our societal rules and what we feel is expected of us.

3. There is no right way to grieve, no right stage to be in, and no expected time to recover. After a loss, our body and mind go into automatic survival mode. We instinctively know what we need to feel and think. Some people are more feeling-oriented, while others are more cognitively oriented and cope with their loss. For most people, we are a combination of the two. Most importantly, keep in mind that there is no right style to grieve.

4. "Letting go" or breaking bonds is not always a healthy approach to grief and loss. Psychoanalysis and Western psychology have emphasized the ‘letting go concept to those who experience loss. As important as it is to accept the loss, we can continue to draw comfort from a continued connection. This allows us to continue to build new relationships with other people or new ideas. We begin to learn that the only thing that changes is the nature of our bond with the lost person, object, or idea.  For example, the divorced couple with children will have a change in their relationship, or the Atheist will have a new relationship with his/her childhood experience with God instead of cutting off who they were or devaluing what they may have believed in the past.

5. We are active agents in the process of adapting to our loss. We are the agents of progress in the process of loss. How fully we invest in learning to adapt to our loss and what we choose to do about it and think about it will determine the quality of our experience. I have decided to utilize the loss of my Aunt as a way to better understand my shortcomings, my greatest fears. The very act of writing this blog is a proactive attempt at creating and adapting to her loss; at adjusting to the new relationship I will now have with my aunt, and consequently to all my family, and finally and most importantly, to myself.

6. Grief does not end, but it does change. Many times, I am asked by a grieving mother or a grieving child, ” Will this feeling ever leave me?” The truth is, if we forgo the concept of ‘letting go,’ we understand that grief only changes but does not end. It will change in intensity and moderate, the process of grief as a personal and interpersonal process changes rather than ends. The journey is unique and has its timeline. Some phases of our lives will be worse, and other times, easier. Finally, as we learn to adapt our relationship to the loss, we can better adapt through experience.

Most importantly, what we can learn from loss is humanity’s undeterred resilience and boundless potential to grow in the face of pain. My aunt Mary, through her death, has gifted me with the reminder that I must strive every day to be a more active participant in life. She has touched the deepest core of who I am, both the beauty of me, along with my greatest fears. Because of her, I have learned that the nature of how I view my relationship with her does not have to end, but must change in order for her to continue to influence my life. Above all, my aunt Mary’s death has taught me to better love and appreciate the people in my life daily and honor her by continuing to strive to serve others. For all this, I am eternally grateful for this experience.